OK, I'll admit it, I'm kind of a control guy. I don't do so well when it seems I have no (or even a little) control. I function best in situations and under circumstances in which I feel like I can call the shots. Its one of the main reasons I work out of my home. I have found that not only am I happy working in an office just a few steps down the hall from my bedroom, but I also seem to be more efficient. I tend to get more done more quickly working from home. Projects that took me three hours to finish when I worked in a formal office environment are usually accomplished in half (or less) that amount of time when I work from my home office.
To some degree, it has to do with all that office minutia that is part of an office filled with other people. There are those endless meetings. There are those folks who seem to constantly stop by your door to "bounce this idea off you" or "get your quick opinion on this" or "ask you a quick question." All those minor and seemingly insignificant interruptions add up. Five or six fifteen minute discussions or interactions can carve several hours per week out of your productivity bank.
In another sense, I am my own worst enemy here. I'm easily distracted. I don't say no very well. If someone wants to talk, I'm on board with it. In truth, I don't enjoy silence very well. In light of my last blog post, this shouldn't come as a surprise to me or to anyone who knows me. I'm not very good a being quiet and still. The truth is, if someone doesn't show up at my door on a fairly regular basis, I'll go find 'em. I become that person standing at THEIR door driving them crazy with my questions, opinions, and observations.
I'd like to be able to explain this away as me just being a real likable and social guy. I mean, maybe it's just that I'm a "people person" and I like to interact with people. That's important in my line of work. If I can't connect with people and if people don't really enjoy being around me and having me hang around them, I'm pretty much gonna suck at my job. So it is true that to a great extent, it's just a part of my personality and make up. But I fear a darker, a much more sinister force may be at work here.
I'm beginning to realize something that I think most people close to me, those who know and love me and accept me and all that, have known about me for a long time. Perhaps they have whispered it for years behind my back. Maybe they shake their heads when I walk away and scratch their heads and wonder, "Why does he ALWAYS have to be like that?" They probably talk about it with each other over dinner or on the way home from church with their spouses. Maybe they even discuss it with each other when I'm not around and someone asks "Are we going to invite Larry?" Yes friends and neighbors, lets just get it out on the table and say what you all know and what I am discovering...Carter is a control freak!
I know I'm sounding a bit paranoid here. But bear with me. I really don't believe this is something I've conjured up in my head. I'm starting to really feel checked about it. I have known for years (most of my life actually) that I have liked the spotlight. I enjoy holding the microphone. I'm comfortable on the stage, in the spotlight with everyone looking at me. This is different than that. I'm not talking about ability, or confidence, or even an out of kilter ego here. I'm talking about that feeling inside that I MUST be in charge. That feeling that I says it MY JOB to lead and make the decisions. That feeling that says, "Well, if I don't do it, it just ain't gonna get done."
I'm discovering (as I get older and hopefully at least a bit wiser) that there are a few problems with that line of thinking. First of all, its rarely true. In reality, there is usually a long line of people who not only will do it (whatever it is) if I don't do it, but they may even (*gasp*) do it BETTER! Secondly, its exhausting. I'm tired of being in charge all the time. It takes a lot of energy to call the shots, and I'm just becoming less and less convinced that its worth the rewards (and admittedly there ARE rewards) with being the guy out in front all the time. Thirdly (and this is the big takeaway here,) contrary to what I may have previously believed, there are still some things I don't know. Bringing other people (usually a LOT of other people) into the mix is important. There is something synergistic and valuable that takes place when I listen to a lot of people's ideas. The bible says (I'm not sure where, probably in Proverbs somewhere because it just sounds like a proverbs kind of verse) that plans fail for lack of counsel. Well, us control guys don't like that verse so much. I've discovered that even if I'm efficient and can get the job done more quickly on my own, calling my own shots as it were, I don't do it as well as I can if I have more input from more people. In short, I'm starting to REALLY miss whatever it is that is missing by working in an office a few steps from my bedroom because there aren't other people there with me (Kathy and Avery are there, but they are no help whatsoever. Kathy just likes to play with and coo over Avery; and Avery just yells because I won't pick her up and let her bang away on my computer keyboard :-)
Once again, I find myself with a dilemma and no real answer (at least not yet; but I'm working on it.) I suspect balance is the answer here. I don't want to abandon the joy of getting the job done and getting it done efficiently. But I want to do my job the best I can. If that means working from a glass cage, so be it. I do know this, I'm not willing to sacrifice excellence for efficiency. I think the two can intersect somehow. But if they cannot coexist, then efficiency be damned. If I must, I'll work from my office or cubicle and take excellence every time...
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10
I read it early this morning. I've read it before. I think I know what it means. It makes sense to me that its important to slow down and be still. I'm quite sure that doing that is necessary in order to really hear something that is really important for me to hear. I just don't know how to do it...
I'm leaving town today, and I'm really looking forward to it. That sounds a bit ridiculous I know, because in fact I leave town all the time. I work at an amazing job; one that allows me to travel all the time. I (usually) enjoy the travel. I've had a serious case of wanderlust as long as I can remember. As a matter of fact, when I think back on my childhood and on times in the past that seem to stand out in my memory, the times that jump out the most generally revolve around travel. I remember family trips to Florida and the Gulf Coast (I grew up in Alabama, so FL was a pretty close escape.) I had my own construction business when Kathy and I got married and we traveled EVERYWHERE. My current job takes me all over the world, and for the most part I enjoy the travel and all the adventure that comes with it. Kathy and I travel well together. We've stacked up a lot of really good memories on the road.
All that to say, there shouldn't be anything particularly remarkable about the fact that I'm leaving town this week because I leave town all the time. But this weekend is different...
I'll be spending the next four days with Kathy, my children (and granddaughter :-) and with my daughter's in-laws (Ben's parents) in a place I've never been before. We are all escaping to what I am told is a remarkable ranch in Eastern Oregon. It seems that there is not really a lot of "stuff" to do there. No internet. No TV. No phone service. No fishing or hunting (out of season) Its just a place to be. For some reason that sounds VERY appealing and frightening to me at the same time. I think I can use a few days of doing nothing in particular, but I don't have a great track record of pulling that off...
I have to confess here that this isn't a natural place for me to be. I don't sit around very well. Don't get me wrong; I can be as unproductive as the next guy. Many times at the end of the day I look back and realize (to my horror) that I have accomplished virtually nothing of substance. Even so, it rarely has anything to do with lack of activity. I'm always DOING something. I haven't really discovered how to be still. I haven't learned how to disengage or disconnect from all the "stuff" of life. I don't really know why, but I suspect it has to do with the fact that I feel somewhat guilty if I'm not working on something (my marriage, my job, my relationship with God, my relationship with my kids, my health, my __________ fill in the blank :-) I tend to do my fair share of "wheel spinning." I have a friend named Denny who once said I'm a guy who is prone to "jump on my horse and ride off in all directions" :-)
But even as I put these thoughts in writing I am aware of the importance of learning to do find a way to accomplish something while doing nothing (a counter-intuitive concept I realize; at least for me because I have always associated being with doing. Could it possibly be that being sometimes means NOT doing???) Exactly how is one to go about "being still and knowing...?" I don't have a clue; but I'm gonna find out. I have this little voice in my head that tells me this weekend may well be the time in my life when I start to figure some of this out. That's a bit scary for me because I've discovered that usually when I have an important lesson to learn, the learning stings a bit (or a lot!)
More to come...
I'm leaving town today, and I'm really looking forward to it. That sounds a bit ridiculous I know, because in fact I leave town all the time. I work at an amazing job; one that allows me to travel all the time. I (usually) enjoy the travel. I've had a serious case of wanderlust as long as I can remember. As a matter of fact, when I think back on my childhood and on times in the past that seem to stand out in my memory, the times that jump out the most generally revolve around travel. I remember family trips to Florida and the Gulf Coast (I grew up in Alabama, so FL was a pretty close escape.) I had my own construction business when Kathy and I got married and we traveled EVERYWHERE. My current job takes me all over the world, and for the most part I enjoy the travel and all the adventure that comes with it. Kathy and I travel well together. We've stacked up a lot of really good memories on the road.
All that to say, there shouldn't be anything particularly remarkable about the fact that I'm leaving town this week because I leave town all the time. But this weekend is different...
I'll be spending the next four days with Kathy, my children (and granddaughter :-) and with my daughter's in-laws (Ben's parents) in a place I've never been before. We are all escaping to what I am told is a remarkable ranch in Eastern Oregon. It seems that there is not really a lot of "stuff" to do there. No internet. No TV. No phone service. No fishing or hunting (out of season) Its just a place to be. For some reason that sounds VERY appealing and frightening to me at the same time. I think I can use a few days of doing nothing in particular, but I don't have a great track record of pulling that off...
I have to confess here that this isn't a natural place for me to be. I don't sit around very well. Don't get me wrong; I can be as unproductive as the next guy. Many times at the end of the day I look back and realize (to my horror) that I have accomplished virtually nothing of substance. Even so, it rarely has anything to do with lack of activity. I'm always DOING something. I haven't really discovered how to be still. I haven't learned how to disengage or disconnect from all the "stuff" of life. I don't really know why, but I suspect it has to do with the fact that I feel somewhat guilty if I'm not working on something (my marriage, my job, my relationship with God, my relationship with my kids, my health, my __________ fill in the blank :-) I tend to do my fair share of "wheel spinning." I have a friend named Denny who once said I'm a guy who is prone to "jump on my horse and ride off in all directions" :-)
But even as I put these thoughts in writing I am aware of the importance of learning to do find a way to accomplish something while doing nothing (a counter-intuitive concept I realize; at least for me because I have always associated being with doing. Could it possibly be that being sometimes means NOT doing???) Exactly how is one to go about "being still and knowing...?" I don't have a clue; but I'm gonna find out. I have this little voice in my head that tells me this weekend may well be the time in my life when I start to figure some of this out. That's a bit scary for me because I've discovered that usually when I have an important lesson to learn, the learning stings a bit (or a lot!)
More to come...
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